uni is terrific. everyday... i go and come back completely refreshed ready for more... i love the learning of new concepts... foreign as some may be... nothing quite like getting interrogated by the lecturer at tutes as well...
ok... rite...
no actually im starting to hate it... i just went through a horrific monday, where everything went from bad to worse. i started at 9, finished at 5, with a measly 1 hour lunch break...
am still wincing from gastric pains... i shouldnt have put off eating. but there wasnt time. all came to a evil, painful peak during the leader's meeting that night. i dont think ive ever been so tired in my life... but the meeting was good. its amazing how just meeting with your fellow cell leaders and associates can help foster a spirit of unity.
i used to be ambivalent towards being an associate cell leader... i guess i saw it mainly as a responsibility, and i looked at the constraints it put on my life... the time ... the emotional energy... but then i realize its a privilege. to be trusted with leading a cell group... means you also take some responsibility for their spiritual growth, and the first place that starts is with yourself. growth has to come from within.
looking back at myself, i realise that ive been stuck in a rut... ive done things i shouldnt, not done things i should... i havent given myself fully to God lately, a realization i came to on sunday... it's severly ironic that its when i feel the most shamed, the most guilty, when i realise the depth of my problems, that i feel the most positive, at the point when i just give it all to God. i dont know how this works. i should be depresed about myself... but im not. im sad yes... but well with that sadness is the fact that there's still more life ahead of me, and that God is a forgiving God, whose grace surpasses understanding. i know not where this new refreshing lease on life will take me... but naive as it may be... i want this to last the rest of my life. there's nothing like it.
funnily enough my physical health has taken a battering in the last week, with me suffering from a severe cold, and having gastric pains the last two days... prob due to bad eating habits. but well despite tiredness... i'm mentally refreshed... even though things havent gone as they should have in the last few days. ppl i know are severely hurt, and it just cuts me inside that i cant help them... never have i felt so powerless. ive come to realise that words can only go so much... but well all i can do is just stand by them. i think that matters most...
a friend asked me... 'i dont know how i can still smile with all im going through'... i share your sorrow... believe me i do... it cuts me deeply to the core that bad things happen to people i love. why i dont have anything to say about it aside from that i feel your pain? well its because i just cant. i cant find words to say that would do more than just trivialise what you're going through, any word i can muster, that i would have said sounded shallow and meaningless in my mind, and i truly wish i had the answers to the questions, but i dont. all i can do is be there when needed, and all i can do is to point you to the Eternal promise given by the ultimate Person in control, that 'in all things God works for the best of those who believe in Him'... thats all i can say really. thats the truth i hold on to... it makes life livable for me, that there's something better ahead if i just fix my eyes on my Author and Perfector... if i just keep running, despite the hindrances in life... i know that at the end my life will fit in within His Divine picture somewhere... believe me... it cuts that i cant seem to help much here... but well i've realised that all i have to give to the people i love is myself... not much but its all i got... to listen. to empathise. to understand. and ultimately to love them... the greatest calling of all for a follower of the God of love.