Busyness and clarity

It's been a crazy few weeks. I've been forced to relive the joys of dissertation writing - thank God I've finally found a topic, and have a rough plan. The proposal's due on the 2nd of March, but in between tonight and then, there's the minor matter of the Employment Law 100% exam.

In the midst of this, I've had some time to just work out what I'm meant to do this and next year, and I think God's started some things in motion. More on that later on, but let's just say I'm pretty excited about 2010 (I know it's 2009). In the busyness, clarity seems to be emerging.

While it seems like 2009 will be spent (at least until October) in the Law Library, it isn't all bad. Life often brings you something beautiful when you least expect it. God loves keeping me on my toes. And that's probably a good thing =)

Set the world on fire

I've always struggled to reconcile the dreams I have, with the reality of who I am. After a certain age, you realise you're actually not perfect. Far from it, in fact, so how exactly will I make a positive difference with my life?

But thankfully, I've just realised that life isn't all about me - my strengths, my flaws, my successes and my failures. God's not looking at that.

He's looking for the desire and the willingness to set the world on fire (metaphorically). But most importantly, a heart after His.

So, while this old jar of clay is still sharp around the ages and scratched-up; I'll trust Him to hold it, shape it, and use it however He wants =)

Random speeches.

Life and How to Survive - Adrian Tan (speech given at NTU)

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here forten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She isthe editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me. On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable. Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument. Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many,many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You're done learning. You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong process"and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong. The bad news is that you don't need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone.

That may come as a shock to some of you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy. I love that term: life expectancy.

We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra andJapan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little danger of any of ourcitizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom. So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another 40years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper. Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're 50,40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet their life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy. After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average. Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much. That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste. If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate. Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets.

It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows. What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over. Since your life is over, you are free.

Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free. The most important is this: do not work. Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable. Work kills.

The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit bybit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust. There's a common misconception that work is necessary.

You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing livesdoing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful. People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense. Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate sothat you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction - probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don't, you are working. Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication.

To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous orimpossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth.

Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror. I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated. It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross. One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's own convictions.

It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love. I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone. Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false.

Modern society is anti-love. We've taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find areason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work - the only kind of work that I find palatable. Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness.

In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves inevery way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul. Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important tochoose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart. You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you. Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your body,completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone. You're going to have a busy life.

Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

What I did today (the day after)

100 - I realise that the reason I can't sleep is because I'm worried about exams. Get up and study for another 45 minutes, covering Jurisdiction in Contract and Delictual Cases. Head back to sleep.

800 - My personal alarm wakes me up. I snooze her =P

830 - Get up for real after the alarm wakes me up again. She's irrepressible, thank God.

930 - Prepare to skate to uni. Realise with relief that there's less ice today. Walk instead.

1005 - European Legal History Tutorial - free mince pies given by Dr Finlay. Feel slightly more relaxed about the upcoming exam (not due to the pies).

1100 - After the tutorial, I head to the library for some more IPL - this time covering choice of law in marriage (after checking sports news)

1305 - Jurisprudence tutorial. If you're wondering why I'm always late to classes, it's because unlike in Perth, classes start at 5 past and end 5 before the hour.

1335 - Tutorial finishes early as some ppl didn't make it to give their presentations. I face a tough decision: do I gym or do I study? Common sense unfortunately takes a back seat and I begin the walk to the Stevenson Building (Gym). Meet Mutinko (find out, amongst other things that he has a cousin in Perth and that he's a Christian).

1530 - Leave gym. Didn't really work out that hard today. Did the chin-ups, shoulder, chest, triceps and biceps. But didn't really feel 'in' today. Was grappling with a headache (and residual soreness from the night before). So... hmm maybe I've hit diminishing returns.

In response to Kristine:

• Time spent in gym today: 100 minutes
  
• Time spent studying thus far: 90 minutes.

1600 - Grab some afternoon tea - fixed a bacon and cheese omelette. Egg tally for the day: 3. Proceed to complete MLH Essay =)

1800 - Head to cell, guitar in tow. Slightly more slippery this time. Arrive, and practice for worship with Rachel (our budding pianist). She's come on leaps and bounds. Last week was only her first time, and today the improvement was tangible. Awesome for a girl who doesn't have a piano to practice on.

Songs for the day:

• All who are thirsty (G) - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oCwDtSFMjdw&feature=related
• You are my world (G) - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gX36X1lTjiw
  
• In Christ Alone (C) - http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dDCdGPJQ-hM

Got piano, will play

1900: Have dinner (we all take turns to cook). This week it was Wei Yao's turn. On the menu: spaghetti and Ikea meatballs - not bad, except that I'd had spaghetti twice in the last 3 days. Needless to say, I didn't take the leftovers.

My poser of a cell leader =)

1930: Cell starts... no need to say much la. It was another good meeting =).

Gordon first got our thoughts re the semester just gone by and shared re future plans. We discussed what a church we would want to go to would look like:

And no - i wasn't the one who suggested 'good looking ppl' [Jason]

Wei Yao then shared from Mark 4:26-7. Turns out the passage isn't just evangelistically-focused. The seed is also God's word in our hearts. The first chapter of the gospel of John describes the word as made flesh. In other words - Jesus is that seed in our hearts.

As Wei Yao was sharing, I realised something. Seeds need to be buried underground, in the darkness, under pressure from the surrounding soil to grow. To grow, they must fight gravity and head towards the sun. I realise that that's kind of like us. God gives us a word/promise, and often life will bury us straight after. It's so easy to crumble under that pressure.

The thing is, without pressure, there can be no growth. Eg gymming - muscle growth is impossible without some form of resistance. In any case, there's life even in that dark. Jesus lives inside us. And the promise from this passage is that even if we don't know it (for whether the farmer sleeps or gets up), we're growing as long as He's with us.

Pastor Gordon (the white guy figuring out his moble) and Caleb

This was Jason's last cell with us as he heads back to Sg on Saturday. Unfortunately I can't catch up with him there as he returns to Glasgow on the 6th. Will miss you mate. Take care and I hope next sem is better for you =)

He needs a haircut more than I do =P

2230: Wei Yao sends me and Rachel back. There ends another great day in Glasgow =)

Cell

I finally made it to Wei Yao's cell last night. Admittedly there was the promise of free dinner cooked by Jason. He's the one in the right. Nic's the dude on the left*
Anyways I really enjoyed cell (both the dinner and sharing part). Never realised how much I missed it, and Jason's a great cook! Anyways, as a memory aid, I took pics of all the ppl so i could remember their names. From right to left: Nick, James, Wei Yao, Rachel and Jason (Yay! i remembered!)Then I put down the camera and we started eating. I was absolutely famished after having just come from the gym, and the chicken + noodles were awesome! No close-ups because haha i was too preoccupied with the eating =)

Anyways, later Gordon (the pastor of GCCC) came along with another guy, Caleb. That night the discussion focused around what it meant to get closer to God. For most of us, we've seen it as a list of beneficial chores:

• more QT (Bible study)
• more prayer
• more service - ministry/community work etc
• more being a good person - righteousness etc etc

For many of us, me included, we strive so hard to be good Christians through our works. And we miss the point. Last week, Gordon spoke about Christianity as being an organic faith. Sometimes, rather than letting the fruit grow on the tree, we attach fruit (the stuff from the list above) to the tree. So we find ourselves doing the same good things, but with different motives: to be seen as a good Christian, to get closer to God etc etc.

The funny part is that we just don't get it. God loves us. Full stop. Nothing we can do can make Him love us more. It is when we embrace his love, when we remain in it (John 15) that fruit comes naturally - from the inside out. We can't earn our salvation through works. We can't get closer to God through effort. It starts by accepting and embracing the fact that God loves us - that's faith.

Paul has it spot on in Philippians 3:7-11 - his righteousness comes not from the law (ie works) but from faith in Christ. What faith is this? A faith that His death on the Cross saved us and made us innocent in His eyes (though often not in our own). A faith that He loves us unconditionally.

On a side note - sometimes I wonder why isn't the fruit coming now? Wei Yao pointed out that the answer lies in nature - fruit comes when it is in season. Ultimately, God is the one who knows when the right season is for us.

Anyways, that was a quick summary of what cell was about last night... and i'm looking forward to next week =)

Reminiscing

Lets just say it's a bad idea to look at old pictures when you're feeling homesick and wistful...

I started today trying to start an essay due Friday. But somewhere along the line my 'research' got me to the NLCC website... and a few short clicks later, to all the camp websites. Of all the J-life camps I've been to, Crossfire and Got Love stand out.

It's funny how time flies eh? I can barely remember what I was doing up to Crossfire, but those 4 days stick out like a sore thumb in my memory. God takes us a step further each day if we let Him stretch us. I guess that was the point when ministry moved from being something I did because I was competent in whatever I was given to do, to life.

Life where you're thrown into the deep end, have to deal with relational crises, an honours dissertation, and responsibilities you don't feel capable of handling . God didn't physically write my dissertation, or take notes for me in class. He didn't slap me awake through those exhausting and exhilirating days at camp. From a human point of view He didn't actively intervene in my affairs. And yet without Him it wouldn't have happened.

One thing is clear - He was there. When I was at my wit's end over what to do. When I was exhausted at camp. When I was slugging it out with Excel over economic data. When I messed up. He was there, in that quiet whisper in my heart, more meaningful than audible words could ever be, telling me to hold on to Him. Telling me that He would never let me go no matter what happened. Telling me to trust Him.

And that kept me and still keeps me going. I'm in a foreign land for a few months. Let me make it a better place for me being there. God's with me on this one. I know it.

Mike Guglielmucci is a fake and a fraud - but what about you

Nic's note: I found this blog while surfing the net today - makes you think eh?

Okay. So Twitter and blog-world are exploding today with news that the latest church worship celebrity, Mike Guglielmucci of “Healer” fame, has been a total liar, fake and fraud when it comes to his claim of beating life-threatening cancer. His story and the song which is supposedly inspired have been the talk of the worship world for the last month or so - especially with the news that Hillsong had recorded it and were including the song (along with the powerful live video) in their latest release, “This Is Our God.”

Here’s a quick recap of Mike’s story -

• Diagnosed with cancer
• Comes home, sits at the piano and begins singing
• The melody and words of “Healer” pour out in this incredible time of worship

The song was then recorded by Planetshakers on their latest album and apparently caught the ear of the Hillsong folks who decided it would be great for their album. Once the promotion for that record started, Mike’s story was front and centre - including a promotional video that was released with Mike telling the world his story interspersed with shots of him singing the song at the live recording, oxygen tank, nose tubes and all.

So word breaks this morning that none of Mike’s story can be verified. Here are some links -

• Adelaide Now
  “Michael has confirmed that he is not suffering with a terminal illness and is seeking professional help in Adelaide with the support of his family.

  “We are asking our church to pray for the Guglielmucci family during this difficult time.”

• The Australian
  It appears Mr Guglielmucci, who was a pastor with one of Australia’s biggest youth churches, Planetshakers, may even have deceived his own family.

  “This news has come as a great shock to everyone including, it seems, his own wife and family,” Hillsong general manager George Aghajanian said in an email to his congregation yesterday.

Crazy. Idiotic. Foolish. How can someone even DREAM of something like this?? What kind of sick, deranged person lies in their bed at night trying to think of ways to gain fame, notoriety and recognition while perhaps lining their pockets with some extra coin based on sales of a song that might be inspired by such a tragedy?? This is a total disgrace and another black eye on the modern evangelical church.

So. How do we respond? Some say stone him! Some say blacklist him! Some say he just needs a swift kick in the ass! How about you? What do you say?

What do I say?

I don’t know.

Part of me is so tired of this. I’m so tired of trusting people and their stories of God doing amazing things only to be once again disappointed. I’m so tired of having to defend a church that wants to hold these people up based on their lies and deceit. I’m so tired of having to explain to friends why I would even associate myself with an institution that allows people like this to get famous. Nevermind the fact that I’m so tired of an institution that is making these people famous in the first place!

Part of me wants to stand on the rooftops and shout “I AM NOT ONE OF THEM!! I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE LYING, CHEATING JERKS WHO IS SELLING YOU A FALSE GOSPEL!!” I want so bad to distance myself from these idiots and their garbage lies and their cheating ways. I would scratch their name from history and have them never heard from again if it was up to me.

And then I wonder.. What does God say?? What does He think of all of this?

..

Ugh.

Why wouldn’t He turn His back on the whole lot of us and just let us all go down in flames? Why wouldn’t He just give this world a little nudge and send it spinning off in to the darkness of the universe? Why wouldn’t He just hit the cosmic reset button and start this whole damned thing over again?

And all I’m left with as an answer is “grace.” Because of grace. The only reason we are still living and breathing and spending a single moment on this planet is because of grace. God has every right to squash every last one of us and laugh at our stupidity - thinking that we have anything more to offer than Mike or Todd or whoever the next one will be. God has every right to stand on the rooftop and yell “Don’t listen to them!! I am not like them!! I don’t do things the way he says I do them!!” while pointing directly at.. me.

Cause that’s the truth, right?? We’re all Mike. We’re all Todd. We’re all messed up, screwed up, broken, deceitful, lying, sinful people. Now we may not be as devious or as scheming as those who are exposed and exploited but does that make us any better or any worse? Not at all. At the end of the day we are broken, sinful people in need of grace. Only God’s grace. And I need just as much of it as Mike does.

Could you imagine if all of your crap was exposed for the world to see? What if your Twitter account really detailed everything you were doing? everything you were thinking? Uh oh. We wave the “authentic” flag as though people are getting to know the real us if we post a little of our family struggles or about our issues with this sin or that, imagining that if people are given a littel glimpse in to a bit of the hard side of my life they might give me a little pat on the back for being so honest. And really it’s just misdirection - let’s give them a bit of what’s behind Door #2 so they don’t want to look behind Door #3, cause if that door was opened it’s game over.

Right?

I don’t know. I’m not suggesting that we all have stories like Mike’s. I’m not suggesting that we’ve all cooked up schemes like his. But if it was YOUR song that Hillsong was releasing and YOUR name being used to promote it and someone uncovered ALL of YOUR baggage and garbage, don’t you think it would be the talk of the town? Yeah. Sure it would.

I have nothing to say about whether or not you should play the song. Some will say that the song is born in the heart of the writer and there is no way to use the song to lead people in worship. Some will say that the song - not the writer - is anointed and if God can speak through a donkey he can certainly speak through a deceiving, lying songwriter. Some will say that the song is worthless and not very good and shouldn’t be used in congregational worship anyways. So take your pick

So there you go. You’ve heard my thoughts. I’ve read lots of yours. I’m sure this will be talked about for a while. What’s next? Where do we go from here? What do we do with the famous ones in our church culture? Lets hear you

pre-emptive homesickness

After some haphazard preparations... I'm flying off to Glasgow on the 3rd of September. I can't believe it's just a month away.

I feel ambivalent about leaving. It's going to be a GREAT experience, but on the other hand, I'm going to miss absolutely everyone here (that's right, including those annoying people who nevertheless still give me something to talk about). Is this what its like to be an overseas student?

I decided not to preface this post with "its been a while since i last blogged" - after all, i'm not ashamed of blogging infrequently. Also, it gets boring =)

Led worship for the first time last Sunday. I've never been so nervous before. I couldn't sleep the night before to be honest, and after practice on that morning, my nerves were shot. The fact that I had to make a 15 minute detour to Wilson also didn't help. Nor did driving 30km/h over the limit just to get to church 10 minutes late.

However, in this i'm pretty grateful for Joseph, who inspired us all with a brief pep talk at 9:59am. Ultimately it comes down to this - you can let the circumstances dictate your attitude to God, or you can worship in spite of the circumstances. All I wanted to do was just worship. The band backed me up, and I really believe our hearts for God just shone through the service.

I've also realised that I'm a really lucky person. A man is lucky if he can go through life and have 2-3 good friends throughout. I have people who will (and have) stick (stuck) by me through the thick and thin and I'm extremely grateful for that. You know who you are.

Anyways, till the next time I blog, I'll leave u with this picture:

Sitting in the kitchen, Mum and I heard a nature documentary on the TV, and thought dad was engrossed in it (he was sitting on the couch). Highly surprising, given the aforesaid program did not contain much fight scenes, gunfire or sport.*

Anyways, our hopes were slightly crushed as we walked into the lounge. Turns out my camera interrupted his nap** =)

Love you Dad

* Believe me, I have a high respect for my dad. However, this is a man who can't stand movies with dialog scenes > 10 minutes. He likes Bruce Willis - need I say more?

** The pink object is my sister's stuffed rabbit, nothing more.

And now my lifesong sings - Casting Crowns

Sometimes you just get so caught up in your own work that you forget who you are. You find yourself acting out parts in a play, where you don't know the lines and you trip over the words. You find yourself being someone you're not, because you feel you have to.

And at some point, the gap between the masquerade and you becomes harder to distinguish.

And you lose sight of who's truly important in the big scheme of things.

But at the very end... I hold on to this:

I once was lost, but now I’m found
I once was lost, but now I’m found
So far away, but I’m home now
I once was lost, but now I’m found
And now my lifesong sings

I once was blind, but now I see
I once was blind, but now I see
I don’t know how, but when He touched me
I once was blind, but now I see

And now my lifesong sings...

I once was dead, but now I live
I once was dead, but now I live
Now my life to You I give...

There's so many people I'm not. There's so many people I cant be ...

But there's only one person I am. And only one person I will be.

And there's one I live for. No matter what it costs

back to You

i haven't blogged regularly because... well it's been a mad few weeks. Since the J-Life Camp (18-21 April), I've basically been running full throttle through assessments, vacation work applications, exams and various other responsibilities. But now just one Administrative Law assignment remains, before I can enjoy my one week "study" break... oh, and I have to prepare for an interview at Minter Ellison on Tuesday =)

One month on from camp, I'm still amazed by what God did there, and what He's continuing to do in the youth ministry (definite growth). But the thing is to not just look back, but to keep pressing on =) I cant wait to see what happens this year!


Personally, several things have happened at (and since) camp which have really impacted me...
I've started to realise that I'm not always being honest to God, myself, or to others. and maybe i try too hard to impress. Sometimes, I put the "cell leader" hat on when I'm chatting to ppl, and then I stop being me in exchange for someone who I think i should be. So who am I? It's a very fluid concept according to Gen, but i realise I have to stop doing and just be... which is slightly scary. Basically, to be able to love, you have to be able to be vulnerable. And it starts, as always with being honest to God...

you know me inside and out... how I was sculpted from nothing into something (Psalm 139:15)
so that's one thing that i've been grappling with lately. the other thing is more practical. I spent the week after camp frantically writing up covering letters and a resume for vacation work applications at law firms... eventually I managed to apply for 8 of the larger firms (finishing the last application 15 mins before the closing date). Its surreal to be selling yourself =P. But thankfully (and I sincerely thank God - my resume's a tad empty), several firms have offered me interviews. The first one is with Minter Ellison on Tuesday, which will give me an idea of what to expect in forthcoming interviews. Prayers appreciated. Practicing law is something I really want to do, so this is a step towards that.

song currently in my head: Indescribable by Chris Tomlin
we're doing it at the J-Life led service this Sunday =)

week 1

This might be the slackest timetable i've had for a while (well since Honours last year). As my tutorials are fortnightly, I only have to attend uni 2 days a week every other fortnight - on Mondays and Thursdays. Good or bad? Well to be honest I'm not sure. On one hand, I save heaps of time in terms of getting to uni (public transport takes me nearly an hour). On the other hand, it does mean I have less time to catch up with the people that matter (well those that reside near UWA anyways). Which is difficult, because after all people do matter.

On another note, I've realised that this year, I really need to start hitting the career trail, which begins on Monday with me attending a careers fair at the Convention Centre. I have no idea what the dress code is, so i might just go smart casual and have a bob each way, so to speak. I tend to have recurring nightmares of being the person who is either too casually or too formally dressed. But i need to start thinking about the career side of things. After all, my time at UWA approaches an end.

Finally, something my pastor said at a sermon many weeks ago still resounds in my head. Basically, in layman's terms, he said that God will make you into the person (give you the attributes/gifts) which will allow you to achieve His purpose for your life. For some reason, I'd got it into my head that my personality, with its general introversion, occasional moments of aggression (exhibited on sporting fields) and a tendency to be intense (well because I am intense) would prevent me from doing certain things in life (eg be an good youth leader/preacher/lawyer). Untrue. God will change you - if you let Him. God will mould you - if you let Him. My prayer is that I let God shape me in His image, the one I was created to be in. I just have to make sure I don't use my perceptions of who I am personality-wise as an excuse to limit what He can do.

2007 review

Seems it might be a good idea to just review and reflect on the year gone by. Here's a lighter take on 2007 - a year of heart (break/burn/ache...)

1. Physical injuries
Amazingly for a guy baptised with the "spirit of klutz" by Andy back in '06 (after spraining an ankle playing guitar at a youth service, and nearly decapitating him whilst ice skating), yours truly ran through the year miraculously avoiding any serious injuries - aside from several small knocks here and there, and many cramps sustained playing football. I even managed (for a glorious 2 weeks =P) to be rated the #1 most athletic person in my Facebook network... Having said that, I did manage to get a serious case of conjunctivitis at a rather inconvenient time (right before a catering engagement).
update: I sprained my ankle warming up to play squash with my brother last week...

2. Food-related injuries

I'm guessing that for persons of Malaysian descent, these kinds of injuries merit a category of their own. Highlights include managing to avoid most of dad's cooking (by keeping on the right side of mum) and managing to get gastro in... of all places... Singapore. However, as the pictures above show, that didn't stop my family and I from indulging almost excessively on our recent trip back (that's a scoop of durian ice-cream on the top of that ice kacang btw). The food was great. I mean, I thought I didn't miss it that much, but when I took that first bite... there may be a few things wrong with Malaysia, but the food nearly makes up for it =P. I haven't seen my dad grin that broadly over food since he won the church golf tournament.

3. Most interesting thing i learnt this year:
Crossfire Catering forced me to revisit some long-held notions of mine. Firstly, I have to admit that it is sometimes more fun to cook than to eat. This may be heresy to some but the challenge of raising some funds for camp was actually one of the best experiences of my life so far. It all started with an innocent suggestion from my mum and aunt that I could perhaps raise funds by cooking. One short discussion with Michie, and Crossfire Catering was born.

So with help from my Yr 12 French teacher (for giving me a French cookbook as a prize back in high school), Michelle and I managed to come out with a menu, with her handling presentation (guys are generally hopeless at this) and desserts (her profiteroles are excellent), and I handling the mains and sauces. We learnt how to cook salmon, fry steaks (cheers to Marky the chef for some handy tips), and make sauces. I also doubled up as the driver, which sounds easy, but try taking corners in a hurry with full pans on people's laps etc etc... it was the J-life version of Initial D, except I had to worry about an empty tank, traffic, being late, and speed cameras. Michelle had to worry about not getting killed =P

Actually, we were pretty good at the whole cooking thing at the end of the 7 dinners (altogether i think we may have catered for about 60-70 people)... aside from some small incidents. Also, we had lots of help from other J-lifers in the cooking, and waitering etc. Atm, I'm planning next year's menu =P. Overall, learning to cook (a little) has helped me to appreciate my food more, though I still avoid dad's cooking.

note: there were no incidents of food poisoning throughout our catering (as far as i know off). I'd also like to thank Michie S, Amanda T, Michelle T, Yvonne T, Yong W, Gloria O, Kenneth T, Bryan S, and Adrian S for helping out (i really appreciate you guys!). Thanks also to everyone who actually paid to eat something I cooked =P.

4. Proudest sporting achievement this year:
I love sport. It's one of the things I do where I can shut everything out, and just focus on having fun, and seeking excellence (ok excellence is code for winning). Being able to laugh at yourself also helps. After missing a stack of chances at one weekly social game with the engineers (most of which graduated this year), yours truly came good in the last 20 mins, nabbing a hat-trick (including one low right-footed drive between the defender's legs into the far corner - now that was sweet). Having said that, that day I missed chances my grandmother could have put in blind-folded. Can't shoot for nuts.

5. Embarrassing sporting moment(s) of the year:
Also many to add to this list. Getting thrashed 6-0 by Annabel on a tennis court was humbling (All guys need one of those sooner or later - preferably later). So was getting smashed around a table tennis table by Amanda one day. Oh, and badminton players will of course have occasionally executed the Air-Smash, where two distinct sounds are heard: the whish of the racket swinging furiously and wildly, and the tok! of the shuttle landing neatly in the center of our forehead... the key is to be able to laugh at yourself

6. Music of the Year
I managed to add a fair few CDs to my collection this year. Highlights include a Goo Goo Dolls Greatest Hits album, with all their singles. 'Slide', and 'Here is gone' remain my favourite songs from them. Rush of Fools impressed me as well with their debut album featuring the addictive 'Undo'. And oh yeah, while the song actually came out in 2006, 'Oh Gravity!' by Switchfoot has the best intro of any song I've heard this year (well for my tastes anyways). And finally, I managed to get cheaply Santana's Supernatural and Shaman albums - great riffs. Did I tell you my brother and I will be at his concert next month? (thanks mum and dad =D)

7. Prank of the Year
April Fools this year was one where I polished my acting skills. I'll leave it at that.

8. The "Oh you evil B(*&ard" moment of the Year
The kind man who left a parking ticket on my car (2 minutes after I had left it for a quick haircut). Well actually I deserved it, but for sheer comedic timing (I eventually managed to find it funny), he deserves a mention =P.

Actually, I'm finding it hard to dredge up memories of people who have unmade my day - after all, most things can't be as bad as being nailed on a tree, can it? And if He can forgive, I can.

9. Highlights
One highlight (pun intended) was getting my hair dyed an awesome shade on a dare, and seriously surprising the dare(er?) when I rocked up at a youth service with the hair-change. Apparently I was "damn BENG lah!" (according to many cell members, and O-Chin)

Crossfire - J-life's annual camp, which I had the chance to help out at. It was an amazing time of God just touching lives, and bringing breakthroughs. Probably the best camp comm I've worked with. Thanks God =)

Another highlight: Dave's wedding - you had very nice hair colour Dave =P, and thanks for having me as your best man. It's been an absolute privilege. Actually it was quite amazing being there. The boy whom I used to play Sonic and spar at Mortal Kombat with, who taught me how to fix up a PC, and in general one of the coolest guys I know is now all grown up and happily married to a very sweet lady. I wish you both all the best in the many years coming ahead, Dave and Nechelle (and "work hard").


The final highlight - catching up with old friends from Canaan (Joshua, Prakash, Joyce, Jeremy, Ian... the list goes on - it was so great to be able to meet up again), my family, and especially my grandmother during my last trip back home. Means more than words can describe.


10. Goals for 2008

• To be a better son/brother/cousin/friend
  
• To be a better cell leader. To serve my ministry better.
  
• To play the guitar more (and write better songs)
• To live right. To not compromise on my beliefs even under pressure.
• To trust God more, even when the chips are down.
• To study hard and well (usual Asian answer: to make my parents proud lah)...

Actually, it can all be wrapped up into one thing. I want to get closer to God. To be a man after God's heart. And I trust Him knowing that He'll make my paths straight.

home

I feel torn between where I am, and where I'm from. Life is bringing me away from my roots, and yet every time I return home, every time I think about the friends/family that I rarely meet up with nowadays, it feels different. I realised on my recent trip back to KL that Perth is where I'm at, and where I'm meant to be for now, and yet I miss home.

I guess it's all a part of getting older - accepting that as you move towards where you're meant to be, some people from the past will play a lesser role in your life. It involves appreciating their sacrifices, and it also means that when we do catch up, we make the best of our time together. In a sense, the price of growing up is that you move away (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) from the familiar to the new. A challenge, and a blessing.

Bring the rain - Mercy Me

Bring the rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

Everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

Had a rough Monday - may have wrecked my plans for the summer. And I was bitter, I was disappointed, I was cut. For this was something i really wanted (for ages).
But at the end, as the song goes, "what's a little rain?" compared to what my Savior went through for me (Romans 8:18-39)? Dare I pray that God brings me rain, if that's what it takes to praise Him? Rain hurts... and yet I made the mistake of focusing on my failure, my situation. For a night I forgot that I am Yours regardless of what happens. I couldn't see beyond my disappointment. But nothing can separate me from You, except myself.

For I am certain that not death, or life, or angels, or rulers, or things present, or things to come, or powers, or things on high, or things under the earth, or anything which is made, will be able to come between us and the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord
Romans 8:38-9 BBE

Lord, bring me anything that brings You glory, rain or shine. I pray that I'll be able to give you glory whatever comes.

The Step

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
A work of art begins with a single stroke
Every battle begins with men making that first advance

And yet sometimes we hold back... fearing an end too distant to be glimpsed
We wait... gripped by our inability to see the big picture being weaved
We live our lives forever afraid to charge till the gunfire ends

Wishing we could have done more. Wishing we dared to step out.
Despairing over doors once open now forever closed
Regretting the daily decisions we chose to make
Where a tenuous safety marked by fear
Was better to placing our fates in the Author's hands


Therefore let us also, seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
looking unto Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising shame, and hath sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2

found this in my email... still sifting through it.

One of the Twelve
TGIF Today God Is First, by Os Hillman

And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again. - 2 Corinthians 5:15

It is believed that there were about 5,000 believers during the time of Christ. Among those believers, it was thought there were three types. The largest number of believers were those who came to Jesus for salvation. They served Him little beyond coming to Him to receive salvation. A much smaller number, say 500, actually followed Him and served Him. Then, there were the disciples. These were those who identified with Jesus. They lived the life that Jesus lived. Each of these ultimately died in difficult circumstances. They experienced the hardships, the miracles, and the fellowship with God in human form.

If you had to say which group best represented your life, which one would you fall into-the 5,000 who simply believed, the 500 who followed and sought to implement what they were learning from the Savior, or the 12 who identified completely with the life and mission of the Savior? Jesus has called each of us to identify with Him completely. "This is how we know we are in Him: Whoever claims to live in Him must walk as Jesus did" (1 Jn. 2:5b-6).

Pray that God will allow you to walk as Jesus did. Experience His power and love in your life today so that others will see the hope that lies in you.

I've just finished watching the FA Cup final. it happened again. United dominate extra time, and lose to a late... late goal... am i crushed? Definitely. Defeats hurt. But in the big picture, we've won the league... so it doesn't matter that much.

It's amazing how much emotion goes through watching a game of soccer: anticipation (Rooney picks up the ball on the run), hope (when the ultimate super-sub Solskjaer comes on), cynicism (when Robben "falls"), injustice (i swear THAT ball crossed the line) Heartbreak (cue in Drogba's goal)... yeah. the best part is going through that whole gamut of thoughts, and trying to realize that its just a game. at the end of it, whether my team wins or loses, it really wont affect my life in a really significant manner.

The scary thing is that there are ppl who take very seriously sportsperson halfway across the world winning/losing a game. I can refer you to the example of Andres Escobar, whose own goal in the 1994 World Cup led to Colombia's elimination. He was shot dead back home. There's probably some other issues there which led to his murder (his death was probably associated with large-scale gambling), but generally, who among us (i refer to us guys - have to admit girls are more logical about this =P) has never sworn or thrown something at a TV after seeing someone do something remarkably stupid played out on a sports field?

Which gets me thinking: why do we sometimes invest so much effort/emotions into things which really, at the end, don't matter? To escape a mundane reality? To be a part of something larger than yourself?

I remember a portion from the book Wild at Heart which alludes to why people might follow sport. We all want to be a part of a bigger picture. We all seek significance in some way... and sometimes we try to find it in being part of a winning team. I support Manchester Utd. We're a good team. We play good, flowing attractive football. Notice the "We". I've never played at Old Trafford. I've never even met any of the team, and yet immediately there's that association. I support a winning team. Therefore I'm a winner. And when they lose, am I a loser?

I've been listening to a Delirious CD, and there's a point when the lead singer goes "If we'd all just admit, that we all want to be winners here"... and he goes on and speaks of God. He speaks of how "there's a song the angels have been singing since the dawn of time... " and it is this: "Holy is the lord". And as I recall that now, I've just realized that sometimes we seek our significance in things which will fade away. One day, Sir Alex will retire, and United will go back to being an average team, which I'll continue to support ardently. One day, i will no longer be able to get away with dyeing my hair (refer you to my dad). One day, i will run into someone smarter, faster, funnier, stronger ... etc etc. For some of us, we've reached that point... where we sense that we're not that special after all. We're not the best. We're just normal people. Insignificant

But here's the thing. There's a greater story going on out there. It transcends sport. It goes beyond our daily routines, beyond our relationships. There's more to life than life, so to speak. As the song goes... "And I've found myself in You [God]". I want to live life that way. I cant say I'm at that point now, but i want to live my life in that place. That place where i find myself, my worth in where I am with God. That place where I'm part of a deeper story written by the One who made us. Where I stop striving to earn my significance, but where I start living in the significance of what God has done.

"so take me to that place / where i can see your face
cause all i want to do / and all i want to do is worship you" ("Found")

and here i come again

alright, maybe the best time to blog ISNT a couple of days before an exam... especially if one hasn't blogged for a while... but hang on, it does admittedly give me a minor thrill to see my words on the internet, free for all to see (well "all" meaning those ppl who mistakenly stumble upon this blog)

so what's there to talk about... its been 6 months since i last blogged. but it has been 6 very lifechanging months. i've grown (put on 3kgs =P) inside and out... i've learnt about life (sometimes, through my own bloody mindedness the hard way)... ive stumbled and fallen (physically and spiritually)... i've had to pick myself up and keep running... i've failed a driving test without getting into the car... i've been living....

you see, i could talk about all these things, but then this post would definitely be too long... especially before an exam. and besides... i'll save the truly funny occurrences(and yes there have been many) for one day when i'm chatting up someone at a bar =P... or failing that a future blog.

but the one thing i have truly realised in this last 6 months is what matters in life. to love God, and to trust Him. to obey Him when He prompts. to seek His presence... and to live life realising who he made me to be, and living the way he made me and wants me to live. that is a life i pray i'll live.

do guys cry? damn straight they do

yeah... had an absolutely terrible week. but im getting over it... with God and some good friends. worst week of my life i think. but amazingly i dont feel as depressed as i should. yeah i wish things were better. but at least i can see God in this clearly. im sorry i cant share abt it. but i appreciate ur prayers. crappy week. but God is good. and he wipes away my tears (psalms 116).
there's always a silver lining. just got to look out for it.

written on 9 Nov 2006 (ie much later after this post)
looking back on that period of my life (cant believe it was so long ago)... i cant lie and say that that was fun to go through, or that it was great. it was crap, but at the same time good.
i realise now, looking back that God in all things really does work for the good of those who believe in him. from that starting point of crisis, he's prodded me back to the right direction again. he's still reworking me... (still a Work In Progress, for u accounting ppl reading this)... but i can honestly say, that i thank God for the trial. because it was in that trial, that i learnt more of who He was, and he taught me more of who I was:
his child
bought for an eternal price
so valued that he sent his one and only son to die for me
created and called for his purposes,
endowed with a hope and a future
freed to live by his grace, and most importantly
loved by Him

new life

i'm a sinner. i know that. i've sinned. i've not been a man of God to the ppl that matter in my life. i know that. i've not been a good Christian to my unsaved friends. i know that.
but i also know that the sinful nature is dead. sin has no power over me. i have nothing to fear, but fear itself. i know that my life story, will be a part of the universal story, written in revelations... that GOD wins. and i know that with my best friend, God, father, provider, security all in one... i can do all things, through Him who strengthens me.
it's amazing. i spent most of last yr in a depressive funk. why did there not seem to be purpose in my life? why did i stumble again and again? i was not a man of God last yr. i can say that with honesty. but i can also say that... i've learnt things. i can also say that i've recently broken some barriers in my personal life. i can say that i know the victory is won. i've realised that, as Paul writes in Romans... as he talks abt how he sins even though he doesnt want to, he realises that that sin is not a part of him. yes. i get tempted often. but the sinful nature is not a part of me. God has sanctified me. now i just have to rmb that when i get tempted to sin... when i get angry... when i get frustrated.
i've lived in guilt when i should live in freedom in Christ. i've let the Devil lie to me. lie to me that i'm worthless... that i'm weak... that i will always stumble. lies... that i listened to
No more. it's not abt me. it's abt God and what he's doin in me. i can resist temptation. its just sometimes i choose wrong. im not perfect. but i know i can resist it. temptation is no longer such an overbearing presence in my life... that previously i just sinned, because i saw no way out. but God provides a way out of temptation. i have the choice. he has sanctified me. he has made me new. its whether i choose to live in that new nature or the old. and i want to do the right thing for the God who made me who i am... his child... Nickolas Sin. theres none like him. i love Him. and he's teaching me to love myself. i've done things i never would have done in the past for fear of revealing to everyone my weaknesses. but it is in my weaknesses that His glory is revealed. it is in my humanity that His love and power shines through. and it is in submitting to him, no matter the sacrifice that entails... that He works in me... that breakthrough has happened. and im grateful. i've never cried so much. i love him.
God bless