Grace is always a reason to smile

Unexpectedly, she made me dinner last night =)

It had been a long day and was going to be a longer night. I had assignments due soon and a band practice to get through. Not that practice was a bad thing, but the Procedure assignment was deadly.

But in between commitments, whilst eating great pasta and enjoying good company; I realised with a wry smile the true meaning of grace.

Grace 

1. elegance of form, manner, motion or action
   
2. courteous good will
   
3. the free and unearned favour of God

[The Concise Oxford English Dictionary]

Busyness and clarity

It's been a crazy few weeks. I've been forced to relive the joys of dissertation writing - thank God I've finally found a topic, and have a rough plan. The proposal's due on the 2nd of March, but in between tonight and then, there's the minor matter of the Employment Law 100% exam.

In the midst of this, I've had some time to just work out what I'm meant to do this and next year, and I think God's started some things in motion. More on that later on, but let's just say I'm pretty excited about 2010 (I know it's 2009). In the busyness, clarity seems to be emerging.

While it seems like 2009 will be spent (at least until October) in the Law Library, it isn't all bad. Life often brings you something beautiful when you least expect it. God loves keeping me on my toes. And that's probably a good thing =)

Procrastination

Damn... i should be doing my jurisprudence readings...

Anyways, I had a pretty good day today (as evidenced by 2 posts thus far). Played guitar at GCCC for the first time, which was a pretty different experience. Then rushed home to play cricket again, and gave a slightly better account of myself =)

For those of you who don't know me, I'm (despite my occasionally nice demeanour) highly competitive. In fact, I'm (as Amanda pointed out) competitive about being the most competitive. Thus, a sport which I enjoy playing but am the worst player in naturally attracts more concentration...

I arrived late at the dirt field we use as a cricket pitch... and came in as the last batsman. It was an 8 over match, with each team having 5 wickets (making me the 5th best batsman =P). Anyways with nothing to lose, I got 15 runs from 9 deliveries, and managed to take 2/7 bowling (again complete gibberish to the non-cricket inclined).

Am I happy? Yup =)

Am I still one of the worst players to ever wield a bat? Maybe I'm slightly better than this guy...

But at least I now have a modicum of confidence when I'm holding an irregularly shaped piece of wood facing a guy hurling a nice hard taped ball at me.

And confidence is everything.

pre-emptive homesickness

After some haphazard preparations... I'm flying off to Glasgow on the 3rd of September. I can't believe it's just a month away.

I feel ambivalent about leaving. It's going to be a GREAT experience, but on the other hand, I'm going to miss absolutely everyone here (that's right, including those annoying people who nevertheless still give me something to talk about). Is this what its like to be an overseas student?

I decided not to preface this post with "its been a while since i last blogged" - after all, i'm not ashamed of blogging infrequently. Also, it gets boring =)

Led worship for the first time last Sunday. I've never been so nervous before. I couldn't sleep the night before to be honest, and after practice on that morning, my nerves were shot. The fact that I had to make a 15 minute detour to Wilson also didn't help. Nor did driving 30km/h over the limit just to get to church 10 minutes late.

However, in this i'm pretty grateful for Joseph, who inspired us all with a brief pep talk at 9:59am. Ultimately it comes down to this - you can let the circumstances dictate your attitude to God, or you can worship in spite of the circumstances. All I wanted to do was just worship. The band backed me up, and I really believe our hearts for God just shone through the service.

I've also realised that I'm a really lucky person. A man is lucky if he can go through life and have 2-3 good friends throughout. I have people who will (and have) stick (stuck) by me through the thick and thin and I'm extremely grateful for that. You know who you are.

Anyways, till the next time I blog, I'll leave u with this picture:

Sitting in the kitchen, Mum and I heard a nature documentary on the TV, and thought dad was engrossed in it (he was sitting on the couch). Highly surprising, given the aforesaid program did not contain much fight scenes, gunfire or sport.*

Anyways, our hopes were slightly crushed as we walked into the lounge. Turns out my camera interrupted his nap** =)

Love you Dad

* Believe me, I have a high respect for my dad. However, this is a man who can't stand movies with dialog scenes > 10 minutes. He likes Bruce Willis - need I say more?

** The pink object is my sister's stuffed rabbit, nothing more.

back to You

i haven't blogged regularly because... well it's been a mad few weeks. Since the J-Life Camp (18-21 April), I've basically been running full throttle through assessments, vacation work applications, exams and various other responsibilities. But now just one Administrative Law assignment remains, before I can enjoy my one week "study" break... oh, and I have to prepare for an interview at Minter Ellison on Tuesday =)

One month on from camp, I'm still amazed by what God did there, and what He's continuing to do in the youth ministry (definite growth). But the thing is to not just look back, but to keep pressing on =) I cant wait to see what happens this year!


Personally, several things have happened at (and since) camp which have really impacted me...
I've started to realise that I'm not always being honest to God, myself, or to others. and maybe i try too hard to impress. Sometimes, I put the "cell leader" hat on when I'm chatting to ppl, and then I stop being me in exchange for someone who I think i should be. So who am I? It's a very fluid concept according to Gen, but i realise I have to stop doing and just be... which is slightly scary. Basically, to be able to love, you have to be able to be vulnerable. And it starts, as always with being honest to God...

you know me inside and out... how I was sculpted from nothing into something (Psalm 139:15)
so that's one thing that i've been grappling with lately. the other thing is more practical. I spent the week after camp frantically writing up covering letters and a resume for vacation work applications at law firms... eventually I managed to apply for 8 of the larger firms (finishing the last application 15 mins before the closing date). Its surreal to be selling yourself =P. But thankfully (and I sincerely thank God - my resume's a tad empty), several firms have offered me interviews. The first one is with Minter Ellison on Tuesday, which will give me an idea of what to expect in forthcoming interviews. Prayers appreciated. Practicing law is something I really want to do, so this is a step towards that.

song currently in my head: Indescribable by Chris Tomlin
we're doing it at the J-Life led service this Sunday =)

the infrequent daily update

Had a couple of friends over for dinner tonight. Mother outdid herself in the kitchen (thanks). We ran the whole gamut from fried chicken, to char siew, to ginger-stewed duck. Amazing. Oh and the company was great as well. Thoroughly enjoyed, and embarrassed myself. I shall never again utter the words "girls wont play soccer" ever again. Having said that, one of the girls from my high school was a state soccer player, and my skills (or the lack of) are limited in any case. Just another incident of foot-in-mouth disease.

I also spent most of the day cleaning, and watching the cricket alternatively. I suspect inviting friends for dinner may be a ploy by my mother to coerce us into cleaning the house (joke). Oh, and church this morning was interesting. Out of necessity, I had to learn to operate the mixer (albeit at a very basic level). At one point, I was so frustrated with myself I was about to emulate the Monkey Scene in Zoolander ("where are the files???")... ahh well, worked it out at the end.

inconclusive post eh?

Happy New Year

First and foremost, Happy Chinese New Year to everyone who reads this blog =)

Being in Perth, CNY is celebrated with a little less joie de vivre than back home, but I did manage to get into some food action over the weekend, with a reunion dinner at my uncle's place. What did I do on the day itself? Sat an exam...

For those of you not in the know, I've been sitting a summer unit for the last 5 weeks, and now only a 7-page research assignment stands in the way of my summer holidays. Having said that, it is worth 50% and thus probably needs some effort.

On another note, on my last trip to KL, I told some of you guys that Perth is bone-dry during the summer, and it never rains. How wrong I was. It absolutely poured yesterday and the day before as well... In fact, it was almost Malaysian standard (couldn't see beyond 10m when i was driving yesterday noon). This prompted several realisations:

• Perth drivers (particularly the elderly) are particularly dangerous... I was doing 70km/h towards the library, when an old lady pulled out 20m in front of me. I obviously had no chance of stopping, and thus had to swerve ever so wildly to the next lane... the sad thing is i actually had my lights on, and yet she pulled out ever so slowly. I felt so sorry for her i didn't even use my horn.
  
• Australia may be a 1st world country, but its public drainage isn't exactly the best. Apparently there were floods in Sydney after just one day of rain...
• I need to get a move on. This isn't strictly related to the rain, but I was lying in my bed last night, and I realized that i really need to just take opportunities in my life. The notion actually kept me awake for a while. I've probably been a bit too apathetic this summer.
  

so that's it for me, for now...
have a good one everyone.

ps: the exam went ok.

2007 review

Seems it might be a good idea to just review and reflect on the year gone by. Here's a lighter take on 2007 - a year of heart (break/burn/ache...)

1. Physical injuries
Amazingly for a guy baptised with the "spirit of klutz" by Andy back in '06 (after spraining an ankle playing guitar at a youth service, and nearly decapitating him whilst ice skating), yours truly ran through the year miraculously avoiding any serious injuries - aside from several small knocks here and there, and many cramps sustained playing football. I even managed (for a glorious 2 weeks =P) to be rated the #1 most athletic person in my Facebook network... Having said that, I did manage to get a serious case of conjunctivitis at a rather inconvenient time (right before a catering engagement).
update: I sprained my ankle warming up to play squash with my brother last week...

2. Food-related injuries

I'm guessing that for persons of Malaysian descent, these kinds of injuries merit a category of their own. Highlights include managing to avoid most of dad's cooking (by keeping on the right side of mum) and managing to get gastro in... of all places... Singapore. However, as the pictures above show, that didn't stop my family and I from indulging almost excessively on our recent trip back (that's a scoop of durian ice-cream on the top of that ice kacang btw). The food was great. I mean, I thought I didn't miss it that much, but when I took that first bite... there may be a few things wrong with Malaysia, but the food nearly makes up for it =P. I haven't seen my dad grin that broadly over food since he won the church golf tournament.

3. Most interesting thing i learnt this year:
Crossfire Catering forced me to revisit some long-held notions of mine. Firstly, I have to admit that it is sometimes more fun to cook than to eat. This may be heresy to some but the challenge of raising some funds for camp was actually one of the best experiences of my life so far. It all started with an innocent suggestion from my mum and aunt that I could perhaps raise funds by cooking. One short discussion with Michie, and Crossfire Catering was born.

So with help from my Yr 12 French teacher (for giving me a French cookbook as a prize back in high school), Michelle and I managed to come out with a menu, with her handling presentation (guys are generally hopeless at this) and desserts (her profiteroles are excellent), and I handling the mains and sauces. We learnt how to cook salmon, fry steaks (cheers to Marky the chef for some handy tips), and make sauces. I also doubled up as the driver, which sounds easy, but try taking corners in a hurry with full pans on people's laps etc etc... it was the J-life version of Initial D, except I had to worry about an empty tank, traffic, being late, and speed cameras. Michelle had to worry about not getting killed =P

Actually, we were pretty good at the whole cooking thing at the end of the 7 dinners (altogether i think we may have catered for about 60-70 people)... aside from some small incidents. Also, we had lots of help from other J-lifers in the cooking, and waitering etc. Atm, I'm planning next year's menu =P. Overall, learning to cook (a little) has helped me to appreciate my food more, though I still avoid dad's cooking.

note: there were no incidents of food poisoning throughout our catering (as far as i know off). I'd also like to thank Michie S, Amanda T, Michelle T, Yvonne T, Yong W, Gloria O, Kenneth T, Bryan S, and Adrian S for helping out (i really appreciate you guys!). Thanks also to everyone who actually paid to eat something I cooked =P.

4. Proudest sporting achievement this year:
I love sport. It's one of the things I do where I can shut everything out, and just focus on having fun, and seeking excellence (ok excellence is code for winning). Being able to laugh at yourself also helps. After missing a stack of chances at one weekly social game with the engineers (most of which graduated this year), yours truly came good in the last 20 mins, nabbing a hat-trick (including one low right-footed drive between the defender's legs into the far corner - now that was sweet). Having said that, that day I missed chances my grandmother could have put in blind-folded. Can't shoot for nuts.

5. Embarrassing sporting moment(s) of the year:
Also many to add to this list. Getting thrashed 6-0 by Annabel on a tennis court was humbling (All guys need one of those sooner or later - preferably later). So was getting smashed around a table tennis table by Amanda one day. Oh, and badminton players will of course have occasionally executed the Air-Smash, where two distinct sounds are heard: the whish of the racket swinging furiously and wildly, and the tok! of the shuttle landing neatly in the center of our forehead... the key is to be able to laugh at yourself

6. Music of the Year
I managed to add a fair few CDs to my collection this year. Highlights include a Goo Goo Dolls Greatest Hits album, with all their singles. 'Slide', and 'Here is gone' remain my favourite songs from them. Rush of Fools impressed me as well with their debut album featuring the addictive 'Undo'. And oh yeah, while the song actually came out in 2006, 'Oh Gravity!' by Switchfoot has the best intro of any song I've heard this year (well for my tastes anyways). And finally, I managed to get cheaply Santana's Supernatural and Shaman albums - great riffs. Did I tell you my brother and I will be at his concert next month? (thanks mum and dad =D)

7. Prank of the Year
April Fools this year was one where I polished my acting skills. I'll leave it at that.

8. The "Oh you evil B(*&ard" moment of the Year
The kind man who left a parking ticket on my car (2 minutes after I had left it for a quick haircut). Well actually I deserved it, but for sheer comedic timing (I eventually managed to find it funny), he deserves a mention =P.

Actually, I'm finding it hard to dredge up memories of people who have unmade my day - after all, most things can't be as bad as being nailed on a tree, can it? And if He can forgive, I can.

9. Highlights
One highlight (pun intended) was getting my hair dyed an awesome shade on a dare, and seriously surprising the dare(er?) when I rocked up at a youth service with the hair-change. Apparently I was "damn BENG lah!" (according to many cell members, and O-Chin)

Crossfire - J-life's annual camp, which I had the chance to help out at. It was an amazing time of God just touching lives, and bringing breakthroughs. Probably the best camp comm I've worked with. Thanks God =)

Another highlight: Dave's wedding - you had very nice hair colour Dave =P, and thanks for having me as your best man. It's been an absolute privilege. Actually it was quite amazing being there. The boy whom I used to play Sonic and spar at Mortal Kombat with, who taught me how to fix up a PC, and in general one of the coolest guys I know is now all grown up and happily married to a very sweet lady. I wish you both all the best in the many years coming ahead, Dave and Nechelle (and "work hard").


The final highlight - catching up with old friends from Canaan (Joshua, Prakash, Joyce, Jeremy, Ian... the list goes on - it was so great to be able to meet up again), my family, and especially my grandmother during my last trip back home. Means more than words can describe.


10. Goals for 2008

• To be a better son/brother/cousin/friend
  
• To be a better cell leader. To serve my ministry better.
  
• To play the guitar more (and write better songs)
• To live right. To not compromise on my beliefs even under pressure.
• To trust God more, even when the chips are down.
• To study hard and well (usual Asian answer: to make my parents proud lah)...

Actually, it can all be wrapped up into one thing. I want to get closer to God. To be a man after God's heart. And I trust Him knowing that He'll make my paths straight.

routine

Christmas in Perth has been relatively quiet. After the rush of family dinners, and church service, I've kind of settled into a rhythm in the summer heat. Basically, I wake up, watch the Test match (cricket), read a little, and listen to some music. Sometimes i play the guitar. It's just too warm to go out (was 44 degrees on Christmas day)...

While the impression I've given is that Christmas was very routine, I was quite surprised when my parents got my brother and I tickets to the Santana concert in February - very nice =)

My volunteer work this weekend was cancelled due to the supervisor pulling out, so a lazy Saturday night is on the cards - probably a good thing as I'm on for worship this Sunday.

routines...

home

I feel torn between where I am, and where I'm from. Life is bringing me away from my roots, and yet every time I return home, every time I think about the friends/family that I rarely meet up with nowadays, it feels different. I realised on my recent trip back to KL that Perth is where I'm at, and where I'm meant to be for now, and yet I miss home.

I guess it's all a part of getting older - accepting that as you move towards where you're meant to be, some people from the past will play a lesser role in your life. It involves appreciating their sacrifices, and it also means that when we do catch up, we make the best of our time together. In a sense, the price of growing up is that you move away (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) from the familiar to the new. A challenge, and a blessing.

Ma Ma

i've been on holiday in Malaysia for the last 2 weeks, attending 3 wedding dinners/lunches and one wedding ceremony. more on that in future posts...

today, i'd like to share one of the true highlights of my trip thus far (LONG, UNEDITED POST AHEAD) - catching up with my grandmother (Mrs Lam Ah Hong/ Ah Hong / Ma Ma). A bit of background. When I was young (in the last few years of my primary school), my family lived in an apartment in Section 17, while my grandma lived in the "family house" in SS2 with some uncles and aunts. As both my parents worked full time, my grandmother was the one who would look after me during the day. At nights, my parents would have dinner in SS2, and we'd return to the apartment, where i'd do my homework, play abit and then sleep. In effect, my grandma's place was where I lived.

In writing this post, I'd first like to say that this is not in any way meant to be a criticism of my parents who have unfailingly supported me all these years. However, this is why i'm especially close to my grandma. She would pick me from school in a Kancil (she'd "gotten" a driving licence in her 60s for that purpose), cook me lunch (and she's an awesome cook - used to do wedding dinners), talk with me, and we'd hang out during the day (I also used to play football daily with some neighbourhood friends). I know it may sound completely uncool to some people (hanging out with your grandma), but now as a 20 year uni student living in Perth, I miss her.

I used to teach her English (and in the process learn cantonese), and we'd talk about how she should give up smoking (she did), her childhood, my day at school, and other things. We'd even garden together. I remember growing long beans, bean sprouts, and on one occasion corn (which didn't work out too well) with her in the garden at the SS2 terrace house. And of course there were the many occasions when I had to help her thread a needle into the sewing machine she kept (younger eyes are sharper). There was even a day when my regular football friends couldnt play and thus she kicked a ball around with me, well until she fell on her back. She still remembers that to this day.

I remember a day at school (when I was in Standard 5) and I had been picked on by my friends all day... to the point where I was about to burst into tears. And I did as I walked out of school towards her. And I will never forget the hug she gave me.

There was also the day when I decided (with one of my "bright ideas") to walk home from school, and I gave her a fright. After searching the school, she eventually drove back and picked me up on the route back. She told me of how scared she was for me. The funny thing is that I can never remember her scolding me to the point where I was afraid, and yet, the lesson would be learnt. She had that knack of making every grandchild feel like the favourite one.

Ma Ma is very dear to me. She has spent all her life serving her family, and I have really been blessed in having her look after me. Today, we went for a walk around the field next door to the SS2 house (my football field many years ago). The years have gone by, and yet SS2 remains almost the same. And later we sat at the swing in the garden, and talked. She misses the days before my family left to Perth, when we all used to hang out together. In a sense the house became quiet after we left, and she felt that keenly (given her family was her life). In her words "ngor um guan jor la. mou lei dei seng yat hai li dou" (I'm not used to it, not having you guys always around). We talked about the times we spent, of how i refused to sleep as a baby, and she would have to get me to sleep - "ngor fan giok chor, but gor lei ger ngan jung hoi tai" (i was asleep already, and yet your eyes were still wide open). We caught up, and she started telling me about her childhood. In a sense, we rolled the years back.

My grandma recently celebrated her 75th birthday (chinese years). And having grown up under her eye, I can see that she's aged visibly. She's not as quick as before in thought and action. She's now on medication for diabetes and high blood pressure. And yet beneath the weight of the years on her features, i can see the heart of a lady who loves her family very much -

an aged rose remains a rose
even after a life flowers
its shed petals grace those nearby
beauty remains in frailty

She's not a Nobel prize winner, or a barrister, or a doctor, or a successful business tycoon, but she's given me so much, and I love her a lot. I cherish everytime we meet, because everytime i say goodbye, i really don't know whether I'll see her again.

God bless you, Grandma

As i write this, my sister is singing "Accidentally in love" at the top of her voice, abetted by my father. Interestingly enough, he's not allowed to sing, and she's just scolded him for getting the order of the song wrong =P...

I'm also in the midst of sorting out data for the thesis... and the above is a slight distraction. But she'll only be 8 for so long. and one day, she'll probably not remember being so carefree or headstrong, and one day, she'll grow up and remembering this may embarrass her.

And now she's moved on to playing a recorder accompaniment to "Amazing Grace"... she's slightly off-tune... but getting there. Sometimes family's like that - off-beat, sentimental, warm, inadvertently hilarious, cringe-worthy also. And i wouldn't give it up for the world. Because when life brings me far away from home, then it's these moments that will remind me that life is a precious gift from God.

So cherish every moment. You can only live each day once, so live it well.

sms of the day

Having agreed to go to the Law Ball next Friday... transport arrangements were an issue. I'm planning to imbibe a few drinks during the night, to smooth conversation etc etc... and i would never dream of driving under the influence (ok maybe dream of it, but never do).

A friend of mine, in convincing me to go offered to send me home that night (jokingly, i thought - it's a fair distance)
lo and behold... this sms sails into my phone:

"hey nic do u want a lift to law ball so u can drink"

reply:
"love the way you put that so delicately Tania..."

I accepted her offer - she's remaining sober for the night...
and I will remain ...
I will remain... (I don't want to lie)
I will endeavour to remain...
I hope to be...
a good boy =D

NB: I don't recommend drinking till you can't think ahead any more... Drunkenness is not something I would agree with. However, there's nothing wrong with a few casual drinks...

The vagaries of COMTRADE

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Please try to access the site at a later time. We are sorry for the inconvenience.

this comes after i realised that on the website, commodity imports from A to B don't equal exports from B to A, which screwed me over a tad...

I desperately need to use the COMTRADE Database today - the chapter i promised by supervisor is already behind...

oh well... might as well have breakfast while i wait =P

Unseen hands

I don't believe that anyone of us is ever truly alone and isolated. For every step into the dark, there are people willing us on. People that have invested their lives into you. Last year I had the privilege to return to my old school for the graduation of two of my cousins. My ex-principal spoke of remembering and appreciating those people who have contributed to your life, however small or large their part may be. There are people who've given to each one of us something only they can give - their time and love. These helping hands, often unseen have shaped our lives, and like it or not, sometimes it can be too late to mention those words of appreciation.
I'd like to dedicate this post to my grandmother in KL. The odds of her reading this are extremely slim, given she doesn't use a computer, but at least on this corner of the Net, I'd like to show her my appreciation, as her birthday approaches. She means a lot to me, and yeah... i miss her cos she's all the way there, and I'm all the way here.

Unseen Hands
She taught me, through her life the meaning of true beauty.
It went beyond a pretty face, or a shapely figure
It was beyond what lay outside, but an expression of the depths inside

Beauty was in the hands gently massaging a sick child
In the loving hug for a bullied child in tears
In those unseen hands - a refuge from the world

Beauty came in the meals she made daily for those she loved
In the way she threaded a needle - albeit with my aid
In those unseen hands - a life of giving without expecting

Beauty, in the grace and love she lives her life
Undiminished, though my eyes note the years lie heavily
She shines ever brighter in my heart

Those unseen hands now frail
I proudly bear their fingerprints on my life
A testament to the time and love they gave me

love,
your grandson

surprise

Had an eventful day today
having slept at about 2am last night after watching an amazing Wimbledon final... I was woken abruptly by my dad at around 9am...
There was some consternation on my part (I appreciate 8 hours sleep), until i realised that me and my brother had been "volunteered" into painting a neighbor's house.
So off we went, and well... painted
Meanwhile lurking at the back of my mind was the fact that there was a surprise meant for Amanda's birthday. It was... difficult planning for those in charge. The said lady's movements around Perth were so... erratic, they brought to mind a terrorist on the run... apparently she was up north till yesterday, then at the Swan river... with her arrival times varying almost as much as... [insert metaphor here]
so what was originally planned for 1.45 today eventually took place at 3pm... difficult on my part to get some time off painting, with the said brother. I did promise after all...
So anyways we nearly finished putting the undercoat on the ground floor at about 2:35. At which point i looked down, and realised i was coated liberally with paint (the price of being in a rush)... I actually have paint on my left eyelid and right eyebrow. the problem of using oil-based paint is that only turpentine will get it off. Even i would not be so foolish as to use turpentine so close to my eyes, or on my hair... so stay it will, and my hair will look like an orange Christmas tree with "snow", until it eventually washes out.
Back to the story... after dousing my hands with enough turpentine to get the paint (and some skin) off, my brother and I sped off to maccas, arriving just as the rest of the party was leaving. We got to her house, where the Tangs kept the said lady safely ensconced in Rowie's room, while the rest of us snuck in and hid in various places.
interesting note - the girl does not lock her front door. either she's really trusting, or she keeps a pickaxe on her person somewhere.
I got volunteered to hide in the closet, while Tim and Bryan got the bathroom. First point... i realized how claustrophobic i was in that closet - it was tight. Anyways, eventually i heard Rachael's dulcet tones leading Amanda into the room, and then... listened as she endeavoured to keep Amanda (i found this out later) right in front of the closet. When she could stall no longer, i slowly slid open the door. and continued sliding open the door... and then, , she still stood with her back to me... right until i took a step out and invaded her "space bubble" haha... its funny how she didn't hear the noise (which everyone else heard), but as soon as someone steps too close, she jumped a metre, and ... yeah my ears are still ringing... some music ("Kiss me...") started playing out of nowhere ...
and I'll leave u guys hanging there (she will kill me for this)...

Happy birthday Amanda =)

until next time.

ps... the author remains happily single, and decidedly a closet poser.

Unemployment

Over dinner tonight, a thought struck me:
I've realized that this is the first time in 2 years that I've not been employed in anything. It's a strange feeling. I guess a part of my identity may be caught up in being able to (at least in some respects) look after myself and my finances. After all, one conclusion from my many conversations with Andy last year was that a man should be able to look after himself.
Being temporarily unemployed is a rather jolting feeling. One has to rely on the parents more for finances etc... I've actually had to ask for an allowance for the first time in 2 years. On the other hand, i feel no urgency to find another job, owing to the workload of university this year in particular. It may actually be for the best if i concentrate more on my studies and finish off the thesis. After all, it's not like my earning power is that flash anyways.
Having said that, the situation places me in a bit of a conundrum. I get the sense that I should concentrate more on my studies, and yet, if I'm not at least partially earning my keep, I feel a tad emasculated because I'm used to being, at least in some areas financially independent. I know I'm supposed to trust in God, and look for Him in all situations I may be placed in. I also know that well, this is supposed to be the season where my focus is on STUDY, not WORK...
But somehow, I need to work - and the absence of that is disempowering.
To be resolved...

Straight from the horse's mouth

there are some days where the simplest of conversations bring up the brightest of moments =)

From a conversation with J today:
I had been complaining that life had been a bit "flat" lately.
J:"lol... at least it's flat... not a recession"

The next is a beauty:
I'll leave the person who said it anonymous, or she may never talk to me again.
I'd just stated i couldn't imagine the said person working. Somehow the discussion ended up into one about how everyone said she always looked "young". I said it really depended on what she wore.
She then asked me:
"what do u imagine me wearing then?"...
i'm still thinking up an answer... ideas anyone?

Post script:
the lady in question is a perfectly decent lady, and i cast no aspersions on her character whatsoever... what she really meant was
"i [she] thought u [me] said imagining me working depended on what i [she] wore".

I stand corrected.

exams

I finally finished my last exam today... Thank God its all over =)
Spent the weekend urgently revising 12 weeks worth of International Economics, to the point where i had to skip church. Twas not a very good weekend... The exam wasn't as bad as i expected though, with S and I leaving early (partially due to the coldness of the Rec Centre)

Anyways... it's been a bit of a weird exam period for me. Having only 2 exams was a plus (though it did mean that i got pretty bored with studying for the two units - variety being the spice of life =P). The downside to it all though is the fact that i have an assignment and a thesis chapter to finish off soon (i shall rue enrolling in Honours). Having said that, I'm glad its all over... and now off to work.

Those to whom I've been complaining to lately are well aware that unfortunately i cant switch off even after exams due to said honours commitments. I shall endeavor to see the bright side of this, and to not complain so much.

Things to look forward to:
Short term (up to 1 month):
Tonight's rest from work, a weekend of relaxing... possibly playing my guitar a little more often. Catching up with ppl. Cooking more. Eating more. Working less.

Medium term (1 month to 1 year):
Finishing the bloody thesis. Getting on with life (ie finishing the undergrad degree =P)

Long term
In the long run, we're all dead (ok that was undeservedly crass)

I've just finished watching the FA Cup final. it happened again. United dominate extra time, and lose to a late... late goal... am i crushed? Definitely. Defeats hurt. But in the big picture, we've won the league... so it doesn't matter that much.

It's amazing how much emotion goes through watching a game of soccer: anticipation (Rooney picks up the ball on the run), hope (when the ultimate super-sub Solskjaer comes on), cynicism (when Robben "falls"), injustice (i swear THAT ball crossed the line) Heartbreak (cue in Drogba's goal)... yeah. the best part is going through that whole gamut of thoughts, and trying to realize that its just a game. at the end of it, whether my team wins or loses, it really wont affect my life in a really significant manner.

The scary thing is that there are ppl who take very seriously sportsperson halfway across the world winning/losing a game. I can refer you to the example of Andres Escobar, whose own goal in the 1994 World Cup led to Colombia's elimination. He was shot dead back home. There's probably some other issues there which led to his murder (his death was probably associated with large-scale gambling), but generally, who among us (i refer to us guys - have to admit girls are more logical about this =P) has never sworn or thrown something at a TV after seeing someone do something remarkably stupid played out on a sports field?

Which gets me thinking: why do we sometimes invest so much effort/emotions into things which really, at the end, don't matter? To escape a mundane reality? To be a part of something larger than yourself?

I remember a portion from the book Wild at Heart which alludes to why people might follow sport. We all want to be a part of a bigger picture. We all seek significance in some way... and sometimes we try to find it in being part of a winning team. I support Manchester Utd. We're a good team. We play good, flowing attractive football. Notice the "We". I've never played at Old Trafford. I've never even met any of the team, and yet immediately there's that association. I support a winning team. Therefore I'm a winner. And when they lose, am I a loser?

I've been listening to a Delirious CD, and there's a point when the lead singer goes "If we'd all just admit, that we all want to be winners here"... and he goes on and speaks of God. He speaks of how "there's a song the angels have been singing since the dawn of time... " and it is this: "Holy is the lord". And as I recall that now, I've just realized that sometimes we seek our significance in things which will fade away. One day, Sir Alex will retire, and United will go back to being an average team, which I'll continue to support ardently. One day, i will no longer be able to get away with dyeing my hair (refer you to my dad). One day, i will run into someone smarter, faster, funnier, stronger ... etc etc. For some of us, we've reached that point... where we sense that we're not that special after all. We're not the best. We're just normal people. Insignificant

But here's the thing. There's a greater story going on out there. It transcends sport. It goes beyond our daily routines, beyond our relationships. There's more to life than life, so to speak. As the song goes... "And I've found myself in You [God]". I want to live life that way. I cant say I'm at that point now, but i want to live my life in that place. That place where i find myself, my worth in where I am with God. That place where I'm part of a deeper story written by the One who made us. Where I stop striving to earn my significance, but where I start living in the significance of what God has done.

"so take me to that place / where i can see your face
cause all i want to do / and all i want to do is worship you" ("Found")